The completely unfiltered diary of a 23-year-old (week 29)

Amberblazexx
3 min readJan 20, 2021

Quote from last week: “Maybe after buying a swimsuit, swimming classes, possibly a wallet, some office clothes, maybe some hair rollers, the next thing I need is a lamp.”

I’m currently looking at my online shopping cart with hair rollers and a hair dryer in there. Priorities. Checked my bank account spending for a good ten minutes, then figured I haven’t actually spent much this month. But…we’re only halfway through the month. Plus the banking app doesn’t track all my spending.

I’m a total scrooge. Though I still think it’s somewhat a good thing, because it’s way too easy to get addicted to buying stuff.

I watched a video on the midnight sun and polar night in Norway. Or Sweden. They probably have the same view anyway. It was freaking gorgeous. Could’ve been the videographer’s skill, but still. Could be worth visiting.

I placed a piece of cloth over my bright-as-hell bedroom ceiling light. I think it helps with getting you ready for bed, so the excess light doesn’t mess with your system. It’s definitely not the prettiest solution, nor the safest. To reach the ceiling I choose to balance on my rolly chair that’s missing a wheel, so it not only rolls but also tilts precariously if you put weight on the side that’s missing the wheel. All just to clip the piece of cloth in place with a clothes peg. Times three, because you need multiple pegs to keep it in place. But, I’m enjoying this manually dimmed light. What genius.

Turns out dimming your light isn’t gonna help if you stay up till midnight watching random videos.

Orders for hair rollers and a hair dryer have been placed.

Also paid $1,200 for my credit card bill. Ouch. But then realized $760 was for dental, which I guess was unavoidable and anyway it was mostly refunded.

Hung out with Gia and then just started randomly crying on the way home. What the fuck is wrong with me.

I miss…having fun with friends. I really do.

Gia is an amazing girl. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Am I really depressed? I googled therapy prices and goddamn, it isn’t worth it to be depressed. Lol.

On one hand I kinda wanna tell everyone I’ve been crying a lot but on the other hand, what good would that do. I don’t want people to tiptoe around me. But at the same time, I keep thinking, it’s the people who need help who don’t reach out for it, and it’s only a downward spiral. You feel bad, you distance yourself, you feel worse.

Damn it.

But at the same time, I know I’m not that depressed. Some people definitely have it worse. But…maybe…I dunno, maybe if I say something, people will know that hey, there’s other people feeling like this too.

Because hell, you do not have to suffer alone.

Honestly, I’m just so sick of crying at night. You can’t bloody sleep with a stuffy nose.

I want a dog. A therapy animal. But that’s be selfish. Sigh.

Oh, and I did get that hair dryer. It’s awesome.

xo,

Amber

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