The completely unfiltered diary of a 23-year-old (week 28)

Had a chat with the manager today. I really need to prepare for these chats more — I never really know what to say and I think my manager shouldn’t be the one driving it the whole time.

But anyway, it was good because he mentioned some areas I could think about “specializing” in, and they were all about clean energy stuff, which I’m interested in, and am lucky enough that it’s actually something the industry is interested in now too. So that’s looking promising. Potentially. Gotta keep an eye on the bigger picture.

It’s been a pretty good weekend. Met Shelly (haven’t seen her in months so that was nice, and she seems to be doing well) and Gia. Good, chill feels. Ready (somewhat) for the upcoming week.

My climbing shoes smell like absolute ass and I finally decided to wipe them out. Hope it helps. You know it’s bad when you can smell your shoes when you take them off at the gym, even though you’re wearing a mask.

I’ve recently had conversations with Lauren and Gia about what they’re thinking of when they’re quiet. Because they don’t talk that much (though Gia definitely less so than Lauren) and I was just curious if they’re just not thinking much, or withholding their thoughts. I think it’s cool with Lauren — I know she’ll talk if she wants to. I just worry that Gia will only talk about stuff she thinks I’ll want to listen to — and hell, even I don’t know what I want to listen to, though I’m pretty sure anything she thinks is worth talking about, I’d be happy to listen to. I think bringing the topic up might’ve stressed her out though. Though, again, I really wouldn’t know because I have shit social sensing and she won’t tell me. Ah well.

Someone cancelled a gig for the first time on my Fiverr side hustle, and I low key freaked out a bit because it hit my stats hard. I’ve been really selective about the gigs I take, since I’ve got my hands full with my actual job, so I only take a few gigs a month. So, with just one cancelled gig, my gig completion rate dropped below 90% and if I don’t get it back to 90% within the next few days, my seller level is gonna take a hit. Which would suck.

Then again, if it comes down to it, I’ll probably just make another account and order a gig to get the completion rate back up. Lol. Fiverr police, please don’t find me.

Met another colleague in person today. Was nice — she seems cool. Conversation over lunch was a little awkward at first (probably my fault) but then she mentioned her kittens and which made me genuinely go awww. And then we talked about travelling and hiking (all things we can’t exactly do now) over coffee and it was good.

Unfortunately that coffee probably had a laxative effect that presented about an hour later, which was when the other colleagues came around and asked me for (another) coffee. Lol. On one hand I really wish I joined them (for the casual coffee banter), but on the other hand I’m glad I didn’t because minutes after they left I had to make a toilet run.

Oh well. Coffee opportunities should be plenty in the weeks to come.

After coming home from work I raged at Mom for moving stuff in my room, which I always tell her not to, but she always does anyway. At least these rages are usually brief and I keep them contained. Maybe that’s why she never listens. Anyway, Mom and Dad seem to have reconciled amongst themselves, so that’s great. They were fighting a lot over stupid crap yesterday, and I lost it at some point and yelled at them. Totally not worth it. Suffered a sore throat after, and as usual, their eventual reconciliation had nothing to do with me. Maybe I should just stop trying to get involved. I don’t have the monk-like patience to be a good mediator anyway. I did drag Dad out to talk things through with him though. God, he can be so immature. But in any case, it was nice to talk to him on a more personal level.

Anyway. Had a good dinner, then dove into Fiverr side hustle work. And I realize now that for the whole of tonight, even though no one messaged me (which, sigh, would usually make me sad), I didn’t even think about it because I was busy working. I guess I’m just a workaholic. But not really either. I guess I’m just the type that needs to be occupied by what I deem as worthwhile activities, so I don’t keep thinking about my my friends aren’t initiating conversations. And to be fair, I don’t love texting anyway, so that’s really not the problem. When I’m caught up in something — a project, travelling, etc — I tend to drop off the face of the earth and don’t initiate texts that often either. So yeah. Just gotta do more worthwhile shit, while remembering that the end-goal of work is to reach financial freedom, and not to work just for the sake of keeping busy.

Part of why I work is so I can have an existential breakdown (2.0 maybe) in a few years, and afford to be able to have one, and I don’t know, maybe quit my job and bum around like a true 20-plus-year-old trying to “find herself”.

I ordered food delivery today, for a friend who lives in another country. And as I placed the order and it went through, it occurred to me how cool it was that here, it was dark at night and there, it was bright day, and with a few clicks I could order from a restaurant halfway across the world and mobilize a delivery person to bring the food somewhere. And see it in real time as a dot on my app. So cool.

Of course, this happens every time you order things online. And lots of cool tech is involved in our everyday lives. But still.

I’ve been working kinda hard these two days, though really it’s only because of the Fiverr gigs I need to get done. I just delivered one, and I hope the customer accepts it by tomorrow so it bumps my order completion rate back up before the evaluation date. Otherwise, I’m gonna have to resort to shady tactics to keep my seller level up. Lol. Working “hard” definitely distracts me from the usual despair that sets in after work from not knowing what to do.

But yeah, I do enjoy having the money. It’ll make things like buying a swimsuit for swimming lessons (and paying for swimming lessons in the first place) feel much less painful. Scratch that. It’ll make it feel like I’ve earned it and deserve it. Not so much of the “earned it” bit. Hm. Maybe it’s more of, I’ll be able to get these things with zero financial worry.

It’s true that money does solve your money problems, even if it doesn’t solve all problems.

I’ve been having trouble falling asleep, and I think it’s because of all this excessive screen time and light exposure that’s messing with my brain and internal clock. Sometimes I think back to when I stayed on a farm and never had an issue with falling asleep. For two reasons, probably. Or three. 1. I woke up early. 2. I did a lot of physical activity in the day. Or at least, a decent amount. Not extremely strenuous by any means. 3. Very limited screen time, and lights were dimmed at night.

Maybe after buying a swimsuit, swimming classes, possibly a wallet, some office clothes, maybe some hair rollers, the next thing I need is a lamp.

Do I really need that wallet and the hair rollers though. Hm.



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