The completely unfiltered diary of a 23-year-old (week 27)
It’s the first day of 2021!
Spent it sleeping in till 12, then having lunch, then wanted to clear out my closet and got caught up with some old school Eminem hits. *cue “Cleanin’ Out My Closet”*
Got into a pretty sick headspace. That was a good two hours of Eminem. There must be something about badass rap that just boosts your confidence and makes you feel like the shit.
New year’s was good. Went to a cozy party with a bunch of friends. I’ve missed group gatherings and the banter and vibes that come with them that you just don’t get in one-on-one hangouts.
Feeling well-rested for the year ahead, and thankful for that. Couple more days of rest and it’s gonna be back into the grind, but y’know what, it’s gonna be alright.
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It’s back to work tomorrow. I feel quite well-rested and ready to work hard, but at the same time, I know that feeling’s gonna wear off within maybe…the first few days. Lol. Waking up for work is gonna be tough.
I’m so whiny. It’s not like I’m even waking up that early.
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Went to office for the second time since work started. It was really good to see, well, one colleague. LOL. Just one, from my team at least. There were some other people there, but the office was mostly deserted. And I realized most of the people there were higher-up managers. I wonder, are they there maybe because things aren’t great at home? Or maybe they’re trying to set an example so more people will go back. Or maybe they’re just trying to keep in contact with the other higher-up managers.
Bumped into one of those managers while waiting for the lift. We don’t know each other, so I just nodded at him (at least I think I did) and then avoided eye contact. When the lift arrived, he really surprised me by extending his arm in the “please go in first” gesture. I really wasn’t expecting that. Thought he’d just walk in, and I’d walk in after. That was nice. I saw my colleague coming though so I held the lift door open for him. And as the lift went down the manager guy started some small talk. Something about it being an all new exciting year (even though his eyebags seem to suggest he hasn’t slept well in weeks) and I thought how nice it was that he was putting in effort to talk. I was genuinely curious, so I asked what he was excited about. I was aiming for some kind of personal response, but I guess he wasn’t expecting that as casual lift-ride banter, and he paused for a while before mentioning the vaccine. Yeah, that’s exciting, it’s true.
Was feeling extremely uncertain and a bit stuck at work, but seeing that one colleague in person definitely helped. It’s good to remind myself to take a step back and look at the bigger picture at work. Helps me obsess less over details that probably don’t matter.
I really want to go for swimming classes. And kickboxing classes. Wish I had the balls to just go for these things alone. I hate doing things alone. But hey, it should be pretty fun. The good thing is that I actually want to do those things for the sake of learning those skills, and hopefully, meeting new friends will be an added bonus.
Probably should start with those swimming classes and finally actually get to it after talking about it for so long.
One really good thing about not giving a shit about things is that you give fewer shits about doing things alone (somewhat reminiscent of “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” by Mark Manson, which I actually did read a bit of (it’s…okay), though the original idea was really formed in my head from Hyperbole and a Half’s depression comic series. Spot on.) Unfortunately it seems I have yet to hit the point where I completely don’t care and go ahead and do things alone. I guess I have a deeply rooted fear of being judged.
Anyway. It’s a new year. I’m cautiously and mildly optimistic. Things could be good; and in any case, I just gotta make things good for myself. And get into more group banter because all these one-on-one meets are making me way too serious .__. Time to town down the intensity :’)
Also met up with a friend/somewhat okay acquaintance. He’s cool and seems nice enough, though we don’t know each other well. He’s been keeping up some kind of contact, though I get the gut feel he’s just trying to practice his networking skills. Not sure how I feel about this acquaintance-ship but well, he’s nice enough. And also my only gay friend/acquaintance so that’s nice. To have more diversity in friends is always good. Plus since he’s gay, I know for sure I’m safe from any unwanted advances, LOL. Big plus.
I wonder if I can work for a few years, take a travel break of maybe three months, then get back to work, and repeat. I wonder what’s the maximum amount of time you can take a break for without risking your job. Or career. Maybe taking a masters overseas could be an alternative. But I do kinda want to do this travel-in-your-20s thing that so many people do. Get out, meet other people figuring out life/themselves, have fun, build confidence, just do things.
I hate doing things alone though. People are always the most important, more so than any activity or pretty view.
Maybe that’s an extrovert kind of thinking. Hm.
Small steps!
xo,
Amber
