The completely unfiltered diary of a 23-year-old (week 22)

Something I’ve been keeping in mind for a while — might’ve been mentioned in previous entries, but here it is again.

To be neither optimistic or pessimistic, but to be completely realistic. To not be blindly passionate, or cynical, but to be objective. Basically, to try to see the reality/truth in a situation and act accordingly.

Of course, this is super fluffy and practically impossible. But it’s worth keeping in mind.

Waterworks today.

Company got acquired and although that in itself may not be a bad thing, it does create a lot of uncertainty. Which is duly worrying. It would suck to lose a job after only being in for like two months (plus you don’t get the benefits because you’re still on probation…) Plus I don’t know enough about how mergers and acquisitions work to know whether I should even be worried in the first place. Last in, first out?? Or keep the new hire because you’re paying them peanuts?

But anyway, mostly I got really annoyed that Jessie has absolutely zero empathy. The conversation was basically “Hey I might lose my job” and the reply was like “Oh please, it’s nothing.”

Ugh, like I know I can trust her 100% and that she’ll be there for me, just maybe not emotionally. And it’s not her fault — I think she doesn’t realize how much it affects me. And fucking hell, it feels so bloody passive aggressive to tell her that something she said made me sad.

Well, not said, but texted. Because we speak through text 90% of the time ._. And of course, a lot of visual cues get lost so maybe it’s hard to read the other person’s feelings.

Ugh.

I really got so sad I cried for a good half hour. More, actually.

And it’s really not her fault. That’s just the way she is.

It’s just. Bloody hell. When I tell you I need a hug, I fucking need a hug. It’s not your fault if you can’t see how much a need a hug, but still. Fucking sucks to not get one.

Maybe I just gotta tell her straight up. Lol. That’s me being super matter-of-fact and “confrontational”. There’s no way to say it without sounding passive aggressive.

I ended up saying “this hurt me”. Which, I think, for me as a pretty low-EQ “confrontational” person, was pretty well-executed.

Ok, I’ve gone back to read the text thread. I guess it wasn’t super clear that I was worried about my job. I mean, if she’d just read the text and was doing something else, it’s totally possible she didn’t realize I was being serious. Can’t expect spidey senses from her. I mean, neither of us are exactly high-EQ people LOL.

I still know I can trust her 100% and she’s an amazing person.

Fucking hell why am I so dramatic.

But ok, I’m glad I told her her words had hurt, because she probably wouldn’t have had a clue otherwise.

Wore a wired bra for the first time today. For less than an hour. And damn, it really is uncomfortable. Not in a oh my god I’m dying way, but a this is a solid 3/10 discomfort way.

Going back to the doctor tomorrow for another (and hopefully final) needle to the neck. :(

About company getting acquired — it’s kind of crazy that this is basically the biggest acquisition this year. The CEOs are doing a conference call now, and they literally just said oh, there’s very little overlap, except maybe in xx sector, which, of course, happens to be my sector.

There’s pretty good severance package benefits, but as a new hire still under probation, it’s probably not gonna apply to me.

Oh well, it’s totally possible not much will happen (fingers crossed), so just gotta see how it goes.

And milk the medical and dental benefits in the meantime. Lol.

It’s the last month of the year! Isn’t that just crazy.

First time getting admitted into a hospital ward! Lol. Day surgery.

It wasn’t really a surgery. In fact it was probably an outpatient procedure that had to be pushed into day surgery because the insurer wouldn’t have covered it otherwise.

A few weeks ago I didn’t even know the different between outpatient and inpatient. #adulting??

Also tried to leave the ward after the procedure and the nurses were like HeLLo yOu nEEd tO wAiT for your dOctOR.

I’m such an embarrassment.

And I felt like such an imposter amongst all these other people who probably had serious shit going on.

Plus I completely freaked out during the procedure because goddamit there’s a needle in my bloody neck. The nurse that was doing an ultrasound before the procedure poked my neck with her finger and I flinched so hard. She was duly worried and I told her I was ticklish and we (including two other nurses) just laughed for a good ten seconds.

But damn, I totally freaked out and started crying during the procedure. It’s not even really the pain. It’s just the fact that my neck is so exposed and goddamn that makes me squirm. And the helplessness of not being able to get away from it. And it’s always the anticipation in my head that kills me. The nurse was kind enough to hold my hand when apparently my heart rate shot up to 150. They must’ve been thinking what a freaking melodramatic wimp I was.

And even after the needle was gone, just thinking about how I’d just been “violated” made me want to cry again.

Jeez I’m an unstable bitch.

Maybe instead of exercising I can just think about neck procedures to get my heart rate up.

Glad it’s over.

Oh and there was the whole struggle with the hospital gown too. It was surprisingly difficult to figure out.

Male nurse was kinda cute though. And he was so nice. At the end of the procedure my bloody gown was falling apart behind (ok it probably wasn’t) and I felt super self conscious about it (the gown is way too airy) and he noticed and asked if everything was ok.

I was still in a state of post-neck touching trauma. Y’know when you’re so out of your comfort zone that everything kinda shuts down and you’re trying to combat it with humor but you’re on the edge of tears/overall mania.

Anyway.

Well, now I know a bit more about hospitals.

And thank god for insurance. Those bills were insane.

Lump is still kinda there though, and doc scheduled another check-in in two weeks. But honestly, if this doesn’t work, screw this shit. I’m done with people touching my neck.

xo,

Amber

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Amberblazexx

Amberblazexx

probably needs a better avatar

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