The completely unfiltered diary of a 23-year-old (week 18)

Decided to drop “girl” from the title because…I’m not sure if you can still call yourself a “girl” when you’re 23.

:(

I got stabbed in the neck today.

Ok, that’s overly dramatic and misleading (and probably offensive to people who’ve actually been stabbed in the neck).

A doctor stuck a needle in my neck today. Goodbye neck lump! I was acting like a complete wimpy kid because 1. I’m scared of needles and 2. I’m absolutely flippin’ ticklish. You can poke me on my side and I’ll quite literally fly across the room away from you. And legend goes that nobody has ever touched my neck. Ever.

I kid you not. My friend once tried to put a hairband around my neck for a good 30 minutes, and we never succeeded. And this was with me honestly trying to cooperate.

You know how people say you can’t tickle yourself?

Absolute. B. S.

Ok, to be fair, during my first checkup with the other doc, the doc did feel my neck to check the lump. And I was actually honestly proud of myself for not jumping/falling back in my chair and generally making a huge fool of myself.

But today, it was a flippin’ needle. My biggest fear was flinching and then having the needles break off in my neck or some shit. At least when you flinch away from people their hands won’t break off and be stuck on you.

Anyway. It wasn’t quite as bad as I though it’d be, though I am flippin’ glad it’s over. And honestly very proud of myself. LOL. Definitely a wimpy kid.

So the doc drew some fluid out from my neck (good lord, even just as I’m typing this I’m tilting my chin down to “protect” my neck. That’s how bad it is). It was quite a decent amount of fluid actually, and pretty damn gross. But now the lump is basically gone.

I was totally freaking out and hyperventilating. Trying so hard to stay calm and not swallow while the needle was in my neck. Oh well. I survived. And then got slapped with a giant bill.

Hope I’ve adulted right and that the insurance does indeed cover it like I think it will. Fingers crossed. My card was flippin’ declined because I didn’t keep enough cash in the account linked to that card. Embarrassing. But it was fine. Thank god for quick and efficient mobile banking.

Well, I do think I was pretty justified for freaking out though. And I think the nurse was kinder to me after seeing me flip out with a needle in my neck.

Went and bought myself cookies after that. I deserved it. For being a good, brave, strong girl. Lol.

But damn, I really don’t think I’m over it. Maybe I’m just over-sensitive and over-imaginative. I don’t know. But I teared up thinking about the procedure in the shower. Is this some extremely extremely minor form of PTSD?? Ok, definitely doing a disservice to trauma survivors here.

Really glad I went to the doctor though. Apparently if I’d waited longer the liquid could’ve become “jelly” and you wouldn’t be able to just draw it out with a needle.

Moving on.

Meeting the mentor went pretty terribly. Oops. Can’t tell if it’s because of me, or because the guy just wasn’t very interested. I got the feeling that he just wanted to leave and that I was wasting his time…which…I really don’t blame him for, to be fair.

But I was slightly shook that someone didn’t like me.

Sigh. People pleaser.

It probably wasn’t personal. I’m sure he’s busy.

One good thing though, was that it wasn’t awkward at all, at least not in the young woman talking to old guy way (it was awkward in the you-look-like-you-don’t-wanna-be-here way). He was so incredibly professional it just never would’ve come off as weird in that sense. And I’m grateful for that, because now I know what a “friendly but professional” interaction feels like.

I guess it’s the same you’d get from doctors. But yeah. Good experience.

I mean, it was the first time I’d ever heard someone say “Good to connect with you” in person.

I’ve honestly never heard that from anyone before, at least not in person. Again, friendly but professional. Seriously though, why can’t you just say “Nice to meet you”??

I’m almost kind of tempted to send the above to him. Just imagine the email — “Hey, thanks for meeting me, one of the main things I took away from our meeting was professionalism. You were the first person to ever say “Good to ‘connect’ with you” to me, so thank you.”

I’m semi-tempted to just say fuck it and send that. He’s not my boss anyway, probably won’t affect my future prospects. Lol. Ok, nah, maybe he just got a bad impression from my flippancy. Or maybe he was just having a bad day. We’ll see how meeting no. 2 goes in maybe a month or two.

*couple of hours later*

I just got an email from my mentor and I’m flippin’ out. Too nervous to read it but ok. I’ll read it. This is like my version of not wanting to look at test scores (the thing I was bitching about in my friends back in week 11.) I guess I just care a lot about what people think of me.

Probably all part of the personal insecurity and lack of self-confidence. Fun times. Alright. Time to read the email. LOL.

Ok. Mentor doesn’t hate me. That’s good. He actually responded with a clearly thought-out reply, and I really appreciate that. Time to stop beating myself up I guess. Aw, I’m so touched :’’)

He did mention something about how focusing on excelling in the job etc will naturally lead to confidence. And naturally I honed in immediately on the confidence bit. Clearly he can sense the lack of it in me.

Alright. Time to stop beating myself up. I’m honestly really touched he took the time to reply at 10pm, and it’s a substantial reply that’s twice the length of what I sent him.

Gotta stop looking at email length because length doesn’t matter (waggles eyebrows) but yeah.

Jeez… I still can’t believe I let someone stick a needle into my neck.

Ok, I’ve changed my mind about my mentor. He doesn’t hate me. Yay.

I’m such a dweeb.

(Btw for context, he replied my reply to his reply to my initial “thanks for meeting me” email. And to be clear, my reply to his reply to my initial email (i.e. the reply to the email from the previous few paragraphs) really didn’t warrant a reply, so it was pretty nice of him to reply. Which now leaves me with a slight issue of what the heck am I supposed to reply to his unexpected reply to my reply to his reply to my email. Confused yet? Oops.)

Also, US elections are happening…

Also, my neck hurts when I swallow food. Probably makes sense considering it just had a needle in it but I hope the pain goes away soon.

Though it does help with the snacking. Just barely. Like a do I really need that cookie when it’s gonna make my neck hurt?

And then I eat the cookie anyway.

Definitely a sugar junkie.

xo,

Amber

← Prev. entry (week 17)

Next entry (week 19) →

--

--

probably needs a better avatar

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store