The completely unfiltered diary of a 23-year-old (week 48)
I just spent four hours trying to excavate a huge blackhead on my mom’s back. I felt like a surgeon. Like Dr Pimple Popper from YouTube. It was nasty. I reckon there was a whole cubic centimeter of gunk in there.
Warning, it’s kinda graphic and gross.
I’d started off trying to slowly squeeze and coax it out, before finally getting a needle and trying to prod around inside to loosen up the gunk, so it’d be easier to squeeze out. Then I realized just how deep the hole went. I could stick the needle head in and just leave it in there.
Funnily enough, it felt like pretty good mother-daughter bonding. That’s probably the ape brain speaking. I felt like one of those monkeys that groom each other and pick insects of each other’s backs.
Even Dad got involved. Eventually we gave up and decided we’ll continue tomorrow.
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Just landed a $925 gig. Looks interesting.
Plus, apparently it was ordered as a “Fiverr’s Choice” gig. Not sure exactly how this works, but it’s definitely a level up! Cool stuff.
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Damn. I missed Wednesday and now it’s Thursday. Oh well.
I can’t tell if I’m drained or depressed. Probably both. What the fuck is wrong with me.
Now I kinda understand why people like Lyza are so emotional. She’s probably just depressed. And hell, I don’t want to be like that.
Basically, my brother was texting me and he said some stuff that annoyed me, and then actually made me cry a lil bit. And I was like what the fuck, why am I crying. What he was saying was totally right, it’s just I didn’t want to hear it right at that moment. And it’s okay that I was annoyed, but to cry? What the hell. I felt like that was something Lyza would do. Like when she cried that day cos of something I’d said.
Fuck no I don’t wanna be like her.
And I’m not! Yet. So gotta be careful and not slip further.
I’m glad that at least now I can understand what some people are going through. Or at least, understand just a little, cos most of them are going through much worse shit.
We’re already halfway through the year, and I’m still stuck here writing the same depressing, whiny, ranty shit.
Can’t wait to get back to my normal happy self. With more empathy for people who aren’t.
Ok, things aren’t that bad. But it’s a fragile state of self-acceptance I’m in. I keep trying to convince myself that I’m okay — but when/if challenged, it shatters. I’m not truly, truly convinced that my life is good. I can live. But it’s no fun.
ALRIGHT. Enough depressing shit.
Gia asked me to hang this weekend, unprompted. That’s a great start. And I have a suspicion she might be slipping down the depression hole too. It’s hard to tell with her. She never says much.
OKAY. For real.
Oh, my lamp arrived. It’s great.
The hair curler did too, lol, and it’s also great, though it needs a lil bit of practice.
I’m eating “two-bite brownies” in more than four bites, because I’m a rebel, and also because I’ve already mindlessly eaten at least 10 jam biscuits, a bunch of chocolate almonds, and now these brownies. After a full meal.
Haven’t had them in years. They’re pretty good.
And I feel a little bit sick from the pigging.
An old friend’s birthday just passed and I’m meeting her this weekend to celebrate. I’m worried I’ll be no fun. But what the fuck!! It’s gonna be great. We used to be really close so. The best hangouts are the ones where you don’t do shit but still have fun ;)
Wow, I really ate too much. Supreme boredom does that to you.
Started talking to another Spanish pen pal too. We’ll see how that goes. She seems pretty nice!
Oh yea, made some apple cakes too (twice). They’re pretty good, not great (yet), but hopefully they get better! Just gotta get it right once, and it’s gonna be amazing apple cakes from then on.
And went for a walk with Jessie. Talked briefly about potential moving-out plans next year. It was a nice walk, cos after the walk she actually, unprompted, wanted to sit down and chill for a while and talk.
And that’s it! Here’s to a good Friday and weekend!
Wow, I just scrolled up to the beginning to this section where I was all angsty, and felt repulsed. Maybe I’m having mood swings (or more likely, I’m forcing myself to be happy, but fake it till you make it right). It’s probably a good thing! When you look back at negative stuff you wrote and can’t connect to it. Yeah. No more negative wallowing man.
Oh, one more thing I remembered while inserting the “week 48” thumbnail picture. I dreamt the other day that I was arguing with Dad and flipped him off. Lol. I guess my dislike for him has infiltrated my dreams. That’s not a good sign.
Anyways. Wanted to add that in for the record before signing off.
xo,
Amber
