The completely unfiltered diary of a 23-year-old (week 39)
Aw crap, it’s Wednesday and I haven’t written anything. Time for a proper sit-down reflection session — or a good thirty minutes of writing whatever random thoughts float into my brain.
I just purchased another ETF. TPYP, it’s an energy-related fund. And I did feel a twinge of hesitancy because it’s oil and gas related, but then again, oil and gas companies may not be oil and gas forever. They need to pivot to survive, and they need money to invest in clean energy.
There I go, selling my morals for money. Might not even turn a profit. Could be a loss for all I know.
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I had my first ever “official” friendship break-up. With Lyza.
Putting quotes around “official” completely goes against the point of using that word. But oh well.
I followed up with her this week, after giving her space and time to cool off. During which, she probably went in over her head and thought about things way too much. Or not at all. I could be vastly overestimating my importance here. But anyway, she’s basically said she doesn’t want to hang out one-on-one anymore.
And honestly, it’s probably a good thing. I’ve probably said way too much negative stuff about her in here anyway. She’s not a bad person, just needs to grow up and suck things up. Maybe we’ll be friends in future. I’m cool if she wants to be, just that I’m not putting in any extra effort right now if she doesn’t want to. No point trying to save something with effort from only one end.
I guess I’m quite the asshole too, for dragging this friendship out so long. But hey, it really doesn’t have to be so dramatic. Maybe I’m missing something.
Oh well. Honestly, I don’t really care. That probably makes me an asshole.
Yeah, to be blatantly blunt, I don’t respect her. Most of the time, at least (though if I try really hard to see things from her perspective, it gets a little better). And any relationship without respect really isn’t worth it. For either of us. So good on her — it’s probably for the best to stop trying to be friends.
I did feel a little bad though, because I realized she stopped sharing these overly “trying to be optimistic” posts on her private social media, and I was wondering if she’d just fallen into a pit of insecurity. It’s possible she’s just depressed and insecure (or maybe I’m projecting here). But I can’t read people. Can’t know what’s going on in her head, and she rarely tells me, so no point pursuing it. She’ll have to get through it. (And damn, I’m a condescending bitch.)
As long as we stay amicable, it’s all good.
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Met up with Sam and Gia! It was pretty nice. We should go do some stuff together, I think, because we’re all cool with each other, but we haven’t really had any new shared experiences. Gotta do something other than eat and catch up at some point. Ah… Now this is a friend group worth putting in effort for.
I also knocked over a glass of water while we were eating and that was infinitely embarrassing.
Damn. I can’t wait for his house to be done so we can crash it and act like cultured adults.
Which, of course, we certainly are.
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Also met up with some other guy friends. Damn, I’d completely forgotten how “busy” last week was. I’m consulting Google Calendar right now. Hell, I’d even met up with some old climbing buddies, which I’d completely forgotten about. What in the world. My brain has absolutely zero retention ability.
Meeting the old climbing friends was interesting, and they’re really nice people. Engineer types, and one works at the port. We actually ended up talking about the giant ship that got stuck in the Suez canal for days. That whole Suez canal incident was pretty crazy. It really shows how connected we all are. How dependent we are on something as dodgy as a 200-meter wide, manmade canal.
Was running quite consistently too (at a consistently slow pace, and for consistently short distances), but any running is better than not running, eh? Also managed to do three pull-ups, which might’ve been partially motivated by the random buff dude at the pull-up bars who was doing pull-ups and dips. I get this inexplicable motivation to show people, especially these jacked dudes, hey, this skinny-ass girl can freaking pull herself up on a bar. It’s probably easier since I’m pulling less weight, and they probably couldn’t care less, but it’s all in my head and I still feel great as a girl being able to do pull-ups. Even if there’s really no reason for that. Maybe this is a form of self-imposed sexism.
Went swimming too, and now I can proudly say I can swim a grand total of about five meters. Which is still completely useless. But next week, we’re gonna learn to tread water, which should be a good survival skill and prove to be actually useful. Not that I want to be in a survival situation that calls for it to be useful, but y’know.
Also, I tried to learn some cool dance moves (no idea what it’s called. It’s like stepping sideways, but with pizzazz.) Was inspired by a clip of this Colours of Africa fashion show where they busted out some freaking cool dance moves at 0:28. It was pretty damn fun, even though I looked like how someone would probably look if they got electrocuted while standing. And jumping. I have no dance skills, but I try anyway. It’s also a great way to cool down after a run.
I finally finished reading David Sedaris’ Me Talk Pretty One Day. No regrets. It was awesome. Especially the language-learning related bits, but the other stories were great too (some more so than others, of course.)
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I just went to look at my previous post to copy over the bottom signature and links bit, and was reminded of the whole Lyza drama fiasco. Reminded me to mention how I think my friendship with Gia has gotten better since I’ve decided to pull away and let her initiate more. And hell yes, she does initiate more now. I’m so glad. Because hell, this was a friendship that I cared about. Maybe I shouldn’t put that in past tense. Whatever.
We’re gonna catch a movie this week and I’m pretty stoked for that! Nomadland. Hope it’s good. Plus, there’s freaking fantastic food in the area.
This just crossed my mind: Lauren’s gonna be done with college in a couple of weeks. It’s crazy busy for her now. Damn, I’m so excited for her to be done. She’s worked so bloody hard.
Also, I just asked Jessie out and can’t wait. We don’t meet that often, but it’s been a while so I think we’re due for one. Plus, she responded really quickly and positively so yes! And she suggested getting a kayaking license together, which would be pretty awesome. I’m so stoked.
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This is an idea from Lyza, but I kind of wanna go to the park and learn to do a cartwheel. I could actually do them pretty well as a kid (when I was like…7? 8?) But I tried a few years ago and completely embarrassed myself. LOL. Would be fun to try again, though. I wish I was carefree enough (or didn’t care enough) to just say fuck it and go embarrass myself in public.
Alright. Goals. I want to go to the park and just do what I wanna do! Chances are, no one’s gonna freaking care.
I’ll start with a quiet area with no one.
Definitely been inspired by Jennelle Eliana (a girl who’s younger or maybe a round my age, who used to live in a van and just did whatever the hell she wanted to do, on her own) and Yes Theory (a bunch of guys who go around doing random, stupid, clickbaity shit. They give off slight douche vibes, but then again, gotta cut them some slack since they do need to do dumb shit for views). And yeah, stuff on YouTube is definitely exaggerated (or at least, they make things look and sound good), but I really want to reach the stage of giving no fucks and doing whatever the hell I want to do. It doesn’t harm anyone anyway. We’ll get there. Eventually. We’ll start with dancing in my room. Baby steps (with two left feet).
xo,
Amber
