The completely unfiltered diary of a 23-year-old (week 36)
Got a new story to edit, and this one’s got elements of medical play (BDSM) in it. Well, this should be interesting. I’m squeamish as hell.
I accepted my ex-crush’s LinkedIn request. He has over 450 connections, so I don’t feel special anymore. He was probably just trying to hit that 500 connections mark.
Had the chat with my manager, and seems like all is well. Maybe this is really how work is meant to be. Kinda chill. Or maybe, it’s just chill at this level where you don’t get paid that much.
I checked my investment portfolio again and realized it’s gone into the red. Now I kind of regret not pulling out when it was in the green. But hey, hindsight is 20/20, and I’m not really worried about it. I’m in for the long run anyway.
Went to buy snacks again — haven’t done that in a while (I think.) Considering how I was getting snack hauls multiple times a week not too long ago, it’s a marked improvement. And now I feel a little sick after eating just a few small packs of gummies. Such improvement. Hope I don’t fall back into the snacking habit…… Oh dear.
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Hung out with Jessie, and aw man, she really annoys the hell out of me. Maybe she really is just anxious all the time. She kept bouncing her legs, which ok, probably meant she wasn’t feeling comfortable. Sigh. I am a terrible friend.
But then we started walking and she finally started being normal when I mentioned annoying parents, and she immediately went, “Oh my gosh yeah, my mom, gosh. So annoying.”
Maybe she really is just anxious all the time and I gotta stop calling her out on that.
Ok, but I still love her a lot. She’s a great person.
I struck up a conversation with a guy on a dating app, because — and my friends have confirmed this — dating apps don’t work if you just swipe left on everyone. But then I looked at the conversation the guy and I were having and just thought to myself, “Why the heck am I talking to this random stranger about random shit like this?”
Maybe I’m just not desperate enough yet. Oh dear.
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Ok, I’m finally convinced I’m not gonna be kicked from my job before probation ends. Probation ends next month.
Had a (very poorly managed on my end) call with the team to talk about my work on carbon emissions. They didn’t seem to realize that “all that work” really hadn’t taken that long. I think expectations are just really low and I’m doing a fantastic job meeting those expectations.
Also, my assigned mentor (who I met just once in…November?) suddenly reached out to me and messaged me. I was really surprised. I’d decided to leave him alone after our first meeting, because it seemed clear that we didn’t click. And since he’d been volunteered into the mentor role and probably didn’t even really want to do it, it was pretty clear we’d both be better off not dragging the “official” mentoring out. Well, I’m still interested to know what it’s like to be a managing director, but I could always go bug someone else who actually likes me, y’know.
Now that I think about it, maybe the Graduate Program team reached out to him or something, and reminded him of my existence. We have a monthly check-in survey and I’ve always ticked “yes” under the question “Have you met your mentor in the past month?” But this month, I’d decided to be truthful and select “no”, since I figured they wouldn’t follow up anyway. Maybe I was wrong.
Alternatively, and this was what I’d thought at first, maybe he actually wants to get some information out of me. Although, that would really be poor judgement on his part because I can give just about zero value in anything that could possibly be work-related.
Or maybe he’s actually trying to be a good mentor, and wants to do a half-year check-in. Shall give him the benefit of the doubt and go with this one.
Although I still remember that in the entire one-hour conversation I had with him last year, he hadn’t leaned in once. Even with my colleagues, although they can be professional and all, they’ll at least cross their legs towards me, or lean just a little towards me. Not the case at all for this mentor. We’ll see.
I just ate an entire box of Pocky, from the time I started writing this section.
*Five minutes of watching TikTok videos on Instagram later*
My stomach feels like crap. Why the hell did I do that.
At least it really goes to show that my body has grown out of extreme unhealthy snacking habits — and into slightly less extreme but still unhealthy eating habits. Well. Baby steps.
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Celebrated Lauren’s birthday! It was nice, plus she looked so good in her top and paperbag trousers. I should’ve taken a full-body outfit picture for her, aw man. I also felt kind of bad that we only hung out for about three hours, because it rained and you can only eat so much/sit in random cafes for so long. It was nice though.
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Hung out with Gia (and she initiated! She’s been initiating more and I really appreciate it. I hope it’s not because she’s sad and lonely and desperate to hang out. Although, then again, that’s perfect because that was me when I had to keep initiating. Wow, I’m a terrible friend.) Anyway, at one point I mentioned how I wish I could just do bi-weekly check-ins on my friends, and get them to rate their current state out of ten.
Like, “How are ya?”
“A 7/10.”
“Cool, check in with you in another two weeks.”
And I’d grab the friend for an intense conversation if they ever fell below 6.
Gia said I’d skewed the benchmark. 5/10 should be where “doing okay” is.
But hell, that’s just so sad. I guess I was really lucky as a kid to always be at a state of 7/10 or more.
xo,
Amber
