The completely unfiltered diary of a 23-year-old (week 34)

Bought a new swimsuit today for 42 bucks. There was one I liked more, but they had it one size too small. I asked the lady (this rather pushy/extremely enthusiastic saleslady) if they had my size. She’d initially said no, then said you know what, I’ll go check again for you. And she came back with “the larger size” but it still was just a little too small. And I had a gut feeling she hadn’t actually found a bigger one at all — it was probably the same swimsuit. What amazing sales skills. And, strangely enough, that particular swimsuit had no size tag, so I couldn’t be sure.

Anyway, ended up getting a different one. I actually have a swimsuit, but wanted one that would cover my ass better, so I wouldn’t have to worry about that. Not sure if it’s worth it.

Went for my first swimming class today!

A swimming class for adults, thankfully (though everyone else at the pool, apart from us seven grown-up swimmer wannabes, was a little kid.) And it was pretty damn fun! And pretty damn cold, lol.

Turns out people who go for swimming classes are — one other girl who looked around my age, maybe a few years older, a pair of young-to-middle-aged looking guy friends, another guy who’s also probably a few years older, and just one lady who looked to be at least middle-aged or older. So all in all, decently young crowd.

We started off sitting on the edge of the pool, with our feet dangling inside, while the instructor taught us how to breathe. In with your mouth, out with your nose. Then we went into the water and practiced blowing bubbles. I felt like an underwater geyser. Who knew one breath could produce such violent bubbles.

Then we learnt to float, although it seems completely useless learning how to float when the key to floating is looking down and tilting your chin down — how the hell is floating gonna help if your nose is still underwater and you’re gonna drown anyway?

Ok, it’s more for getting comfortable with the water. Plus it’s pretty fun, though I did get some water in my nostrils. Not so fun.

All in all, it went really well and I’m excited for the next session! The people seem pretty cool and approachable too, so maybe some potential friends there. Would be cool if we could maybe go swim and practice together, but let’s not look too far.

One of the guys was quite uncomfortable with the water, but the instructor was really nice and totally cool about it. Not in a condescending way, but in a very matter of fact, brushing it off, aw yeah just try this instead kind of way. Which is especially important for adult classes, probably, since there’s already some embarrassment in not knowing how to swim. Though, I personally think it’s cool to commit to learning a new skill.

I was really happy after the class though. On a small dopamine high. Damn, I’m so socially deprived. But yeah, I really love meeting new people, especially when everyone’s new to each other. Meeting new people when some already know each other is tough, for me at least, especially when you can’t tell who knows who. Internal insecurity on my part, I guess (add that to the list of personality traits to get rid of before it bets baked into my character at 30). But yes, I’m so glad I finally went for that class. Honestly, I was freaking out a little beforehand, but it was all good in the end. Must be the extroverted side of me talking.

Also. Really glad I got that new swimsuit. It was cold, plus it really was nice to have a covered ass.

Kay texted me out of the blue to hang out soon and I’m so so grateful for that! Made me so happy. Can’t wait to see her. We haven’t met in quite a while now, and though we did manage to schedule a meetup with some friends this weekend, she still texted to hang out one-on-one (or at least, I think it’s one-on-one. Doesn’t really matter anyway.)

Lauren’s birthday is coming and I really hope I can find her a good gift.

Also met Gia today, and it was the briefest dinner. We literally hung out for less than an hour. Ugh. Honestly, I felt a bit annoyed that the meeting was so short, but I guess it’s not her fault. She’s probably not in a great place, but I can’t compensate for that right now given my own current not-too-rosy mental state. But I’m getting there. One day I’ll have enough energy to carry the conversation myself. Maybe we just gotta hang out in groups so others can contribute to the conversation. She’s a really good person, and a friend I am really grateful for, but goddamn she doesn’t bloody talk. And I’m a terrible mind reader, so.

Yeah, maybe groups are the way to go. I dunno. Maybe I’m just bloody demanding and everything falls short of my expectations. Maybe I should’ve suggested chilling somewhere, but I really didn’t expect her to just pack her stuff and be so ready to go home. What the heck, it’s not like either of us were rushing home to do anything.

Maybe she didn’t want to use up my time. Bloody hell, I don’t freaking know cos she never freaking talks. Aaaand I guess I’m a terrible friend who just doesn’t understand people. Ugh. Ugh. I’m so bloody annoyed.

Maybe I really just am an asshole and “trying to be understanding” really just doesn’t freaking work for an asshole like me.

Lol. First world problems. I just need some new bloody friends. People who are actually interesting, so I can build up that energy, and then carry meetups with such low freaking energy without draining myself.

I really am annoyed. What the fuck. This is crazy. I never used to get annoyed at friends like this. Mostly because, if I thought a friend was annoying, it probably meant I thought they were immature or just not worth hanging out with, and then I wouldn’t try to be friends with them. I wouldn’t be mean to them, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to hang out with them. And that way, I never found myself in this position, being annoyed with a friend.

Maybe I just gotta be like that again. Fucking choose friends that I respect.

Gia is a good person, she doesn’t deserve this. I’m just a bitch who needs to get over herself.

I just gotta get myself into a good space where I’m not randomly crying in the freaking afternoon (it’s not just confined to nights now), so I can have enough positivity and fun energy to carry a bloody hangout with a bloody depressed friend. Fucking hell.

What. A. Rant.

That escalated quickly. I think my mood is very swing-y too, probably because I’m just depressed and trying to keep myself happy, but small things just tip my over the edge back into being depressed.

UGH. I’m so sick of this. Fuck this shit, seriously.

One day, I’m definitely gonna look back at these entries and think, “Lol wtf, why were you so freaking whiny.”

Yeah. I’m just so social interaction-deprived that I keep going back to these second-rate hangouts that just make me feel worse. I don’t actually want to hang out with these people, but I do because I have no one else to hang out with. How bloody sad is that. And that probably makes me a terrible, fake, toxic friend to these freaking good-hearted, good people.

Ok, maybe I just need to meet these people less frequently. If we met like, once every two months, each meeting would be special and maybe we’d have more to talk about. I dunno. All my friends are so fucking boring. I’m probably boring too.

Ok, not true. Jessie is interesting. Cher is pretty interesting too. Or maybe their “interestingness” is higher because we hang out less often.

I tried to look for mini sunflowers as part of Lauren’s birthday gift, but couldn’t find any. :( Will have to keep looking, or have a change of plans.



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