The completely unfiltered diary of a 23-year-old (week 32)
One-on-one with manager went okay after all. Talked about work, so that’s probably why. But it’s exciting to be doing a new project.
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Got really annoyed with my dad. Decided to take a walk outside, because I felt like shit, and ended up crying (well, sniffling at least). Which was inconvenient, because I hadn’t intended to cry, and so didn’t have any tissue with me. Lol.
I wish he didn’t have such an ego. Oh well. Nobody’s perfect — but damn, it sucks to not be able to connect with your dad. It’s nothing terrible, very much first world problems.
And I don’t have the patience or energy to deal with the situation, so it’s my fault too for not helping things.
I’ll probably regret this when my parents get older. But hey, touch wood, there’s some time till then for me to crawl out of this mildly depressive cycle, maybe move out, get my shit together, and then have the energy and patience to work things out with my parents.
No time like the present, but. I guess I’m just lazy. And impatient. Lol. And unfortunately impatience usually grows with age (at least in the 20s-30s).
Eventually, we’ll get to a point where we can talk about things. Leave nothing unsaid, that’s the goal.
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What a depressing week. So much random crying, goodness. It’s like I’m just constantly on the verge of breaking down or lashing out, and that’s just not cool and not normal.
I need to build up some stability. Gotta have some meaningful interactions with people. I think that’s what’s really throwing me off. Hell, it’s not like I didn’t know this. It’s just hard to make new friends.
And it’s a downward spiral indeed. You don’t have friends, you become worse at socializing, it gets even harder to make new friends, on and on.
Okay, at least it’s not like I actually don’t have friends. I do. And they’re great people. I just don’t feel connected to them. I guess I haven’t felt connected with anyone in a while.
I think being alone overseas might’ve contributed to this.
Just. So freaking lonely.
Sigh.
It’s not that bad, I’ll survive. Got a good job, got a roof over my head, got good health, good food. And clearly got major first world problems as well.
I signed up for swimming classes and they start next week. Kinda looking forward to that. Hope it isn’t all-male, unless they’re cute. Although I can’t for the life of me imagine why a cute guy would go for swimming classes (but hey, you never know). To be fair, I have no idea at all who’s gonna be there. So, should be fun.
Get to meet new people, and get to learn a new essential skill. I’m pretty excited indeed.
Damn, this entry is so bloody negative. So, here’s some good things that happened, to balance things out a little:
- Hung out with Gia. Tried an Impossible burger, which was actually really good and much better than the one I had in the States. Maybe the one in the States was a Beyond burger? Or maybe we just do better food here locally ;)
- Jessie dropped by and randomly left snacks for me, in her usual dodgy “drop off a suspicious looking baggie at your doorstep and run” method.
- I went for a run and saw a middle aged lady with a phone in one hand playing something in Japanese, with a stroller in the other with an adorable white fluffy dog (it’s always the white fluffy dogs in strollers), and a green parrot on her shoulder. Awesome.
- Read Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris (it’s a collection of short stories, and I finally reached the story that’s used in the title. It’s great because I can relate to it as a Spanish learner.)
To put things in perspective, I’ve been doing grocery runs (ok they’re really just snack runs for completely trash junk food) just to get myself out of the house. That’s how freaking sad my life is right now.
Gosh. Well, at least I’ve got some money. not that much, but some. Enough to take a trip to Vietnam and eat pho everyday for at least a year.
xo,
Amber
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