The completely unfiltered diary of a 23-year-old (week 24)

I’ve figured it out.

I think I know why hanging out with friends has been so…unfulfilling (?) these days.

I think it’s because I’m constantly worrying that my friends are not enjoying themselves, which puts me on edge and makes me anxious, which then makes things unnatural and not fun.

Goddammit.

It’s the bloody lack of extroverts in my friend group, I think.

It sucks because more than a few times now, I’ve come back from hanging out with a friend/friends and just felt…terrible. Like I want to cry. And that freaking sucks.

Maybe my hormones are just messed up. I don’t even fucking know why.

But yeah, I’ve thought about it a little and I think it must be (at least partially) because I’m stressing out that my friends aren’t enjoying themselves.

Maybe this was never an issue before because I was a selfish bitch that didn’t even think it was possible that my friends weren’t enjoying themselves.

At the same time, this is definitely overthinking. Because hell, even when I am in a “boring” outing it doesn’t really matter.

Maybe this whole “trying to be sensitive” thing just isn’t working out for me, because deep down I’m just an insensitive bitch. And “trying to be sensitive” just makes things unnatural and awkward.

Ughhh I’m so frustrated.

But yeah, I was trying to think about why I’ve never had this feeling when hanging out with my brother, and it’s definitely because I’m 100% being myself, and he talks more so I don’t have to keep carrying the conversation.

Sigh.

Another angsty post lol.

I just need more bloody friends so I don’t tire out my introvert friends, because I’m a clingy attention-starved lil shit that needs social interaction. That must be the solution.

Anyways, it was good to meet Lauren. She’s doing pretty damn well now, and I’m so glad because she just mentioned those crappy times a few months back when she was in a pretty bad place because of lockdown.

Plus we explored a cool part of town.

Ok. Lauren is a bloody amazing friend. I just don’t know why I feel awkward. And there’s so many damn silences. Though then again, silence doesn’t have to be awkward, and I know I’m usually okay with silence. But ughhhhh. I don’t know why these silences just felt so flippin unnatural. It’s like I want us to be talking, but don’t know what to ask and she sure as hell isn’t helping because. Introvert I guess.

Maybe because I used to just chatter on and on but now I don’t because…you’re supposed to let the other person speak. And I want to know what’s going on in her life. But maybe I’m just not good at asking questions that draw comprehensive responses.

Ok. End of rant.

I definitely just need more social interaction. I’m becoming bloody angsty and shitty as fuck.

:(

Well, this entry was no fun. I literally just ranted for 10 minutes because it’s posting day and I hadn’t written anything yet LOL. This is as real as it gets. :’)

xo,

Amber

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