The completely unfiltered diary of a 23-year-old girl (week 16)
Y’know how they say you can’t just write what you wanna write. You gotta write what they wanna read.
Or maybe find a place where those two things overlap. But too bad. I’m keeping this real — there might not be a market, but who cares.
Anyway.
I had my first italki lesson (where you can talk to online language tutors over video calls). It was pretty cool. Been learning Spanish for a while, mostly because of the sunk-cost fallacy where I’m like okay, I have a non-zero knowledge level of Spanish, so let’s put in minimal effort that’s just enough to make sure I don’t lose that non-zero level.
Plus, it’s a cool language that’s linked to a bunch of cool cultures so why not. I really do think any country that speaks Spanish is probably a lot more chill than Asian countries (ok massive generalization but you get the gist), and having exposure to this kind of contrast I feel (or at least hope) will keep me from killing myself with work.
Managed to half a semi-decent baby-level conversation, but damn. It really is tough when you want to say stuff but you’re limited by your vocabulary. Non-natives speaking a second language they aren’t completely fluent/comfortable in when they’re in another country really have it tough. It’s like you can’t express yourself 100% and because of that, you lose yourself a little.
Thankfully in my case they aren’t any huge consequences. It’s all fun and good.
Did my first 7c/7c+ for climbing. It felt good to push myself, though ok I didn’t really do it…doesn’t really count when you’re resting after every move LOL. Plus I cheated at the end. But it felt good to push myself, and to stop caring that people might be watching. Ok, fine, they definitely are watching, but no one’s judging.
Also went for drinks with my new boss and another director. That director must’ve been social interaction-deprived. It was a Tuesday and we had four beers. He definitely loosened up. It was really quite interesting actually. Another reminder that we’re all human, so there’s really no need to fear “higher-ups”. And I really do think there’s a trade-off between being rich/successful and being happy. Or at least, there’s danger of that tradeoff happening if you aren’t careful.
And honestly, I do think the best way to reach out to a lot of people is to just treat them like people. Even in the work context.
Maybe it’s not true for all cases, but even that workaholic, super serious overachiever must enjoy company for lunch sometimes y’know. In fact, these people in particular would probably especially appreciate that. Just being treated as a normal person and not always as an advisor/leader/mentor etc.
Also had a quick chat with a colleague I’d known from before. We’d had a kind of strange relationship (i.e. I wanted friendship and maybe wasn’t clear enough about that ._.) But anyway he’s attached now and I do think he’s a cool friend, so glad we talked and it was all cool. I can’t tell if it really is 100% cool or that he wants to rub it in my face that he’s 100% cool (at one point he was like “oh I don’t remember where you used to sit” which is yeah, totally expected), but whatever, I’ll just assume we really are 100% cool. When going back to office becomes the norm again it’d be nice to catch up properly.
Boss brought us out for a team lunch. It cost freaking $140 for three people. I was shooketh. It honestly wasn’t even that great. Like it was good, but not $45 per person level of good. Big splurge for new joiner I guess.
And then drinks after couldn’t have been cheap either. Probably like $160, and then you gotta add tax…damn. Hope that director really did enjoy it. I get the feeling like he’s really trying hard but deep down he’s got this lack of confidence. He even mentioned wanting to go clubbing at a popular teen club (ok but he doesn’t have creep vibes at all. Just a general “I wanna be a cool kid” kinda vibe). He’s like 38, married, and has a daughter LOL. But I like him (probably only cos he’s not my boss now). Am cheering him on inside.
He was my boss during my internship previously, and he’d asked me why I didn’t want to stay in technical science-y research. I said I wanted to do real world stuff. And there was once he mentioned how being a manager was tough and he’d rather just do research. Fast forward a year to our drinks session, and I remembered what he’d said last year so I mentioned how managerial skills are a whole different ball game compared to technical skills. And damn he totally latched on to it and got probably as close as you can to ranting in a “drinks with colleagues” setting. So yeah. You can totally be a 38 year old director with a team, earning maybe 200k a year, and still be unsure of yourself.
Maybe he just needs some validation. Maybe next time I’ll just go up to him and be like hey man, you’re doing great. LOL.
Yeah. People never really know what they’re doing. It really is all just an act. So just gotta treat them like the future versions of yourself and be chill, be good, be real.
Been practicing Comptine d’un autre été on ukulele. It’s tricky, but it sounds really nice. The tutorial is also in French…and now I know how to say “trois deux trois” which by the way, sounds nothing like how it’s spelt. (It sounds like “thuah du thuah”, which means “two three two” and it’s one of the finger patterns in the tutorial lol.)
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As a fresh graduate hire, this company had a “graduate program” of sorts. So we just had a call with one of the VPs (basically one level below CEO). He’s basically my big big big big boss lmao, so I figured I had to join the call and ask him a question.
And damn. I gotta work on my nerves. I sound like a bloody nervous five year old saying “kinda” and “y’know” in every other sentence. Gotta work on that.
Though I did go back to the recording and maybe it wasn’t really that bad. Just that we always tend to be harsher on ourselves than on others. Maybe I sounded more like a nervous eleven year old. Slight upgrade.
Also, HR was hosting the call and damn. The HR rep recognized my name, and was like “thanks for joining”. Goes to show how just a simple email can leave an impression in someone’s mind (because I emailed in specifically to join the session. It was supposed to be only for the EU region).
The session ended with 15 minutes to spare, because somehow this graduate cohort never has any questions. To be fair, this session already had much better questions than the ones before. It’s been terrible. The only question another EVP got was “how do I reset my password”, and the only question the CEO got was “how do I become an entrepreneur”. Which basically screams “Hi I just joined your company but am already thinking of how to get out”. And to which the CEO actually gave some tips but also said “If you don’t enjoy what you’re doing, you shouldn’t do it”. Which I interpret as thinly-veiled corporate polite-speak for “GTFO of my company”.
Anyway, I wanted to ask more questions, really just out of curiosity, but my bloody nerves wouldn’t let me and I missed the opportunity. So…I spent ten minutes drafting a 100-word email and another fifty minutes debating whether to send it.
Then decided fuck it and hit send. Well, I am genuinely curious, and worst case scenario, he’ll just not reply. No consequences, really. Plus, he did specifically say “hey if you guys think of any questions later on, feel free to email me, or maybe we could even set up a call.” Could be corporate polite-speak, but maybe it isn’t.
Maybe it is.
Oh god I can’t tell. For example, I know my team hates questions. Pretty sure everyone actually hates questions. But they still always end off with “let me know if you have questions, we’ll be happy to help, blah blah…”
No one likes questions — that was actually my main takeaway from the internship last year lol.
Ok but whatever. No consequences, really. Non-existent downside, potential upside. Worth the shot.
Though I do kinda feel like a complete bootlicker. Ugh.
Caught between “I’m really just a complete dweeb who’s genuinely interested in random shit” and being worried about coming off as a complete suck-up. This is something I worry about when “networking”. Ugh. I don’t wanna talk to people just because I think they’re useful. I wanna connect an a person to person level. Maybe that’s being too naïve.
But who cares, right, what other people think. As long as I know I’m genuinely interested.
And as long as those other people can’t hurt me.
Alright. Time to end this rant.
xo,
Amber
